They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
