I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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