Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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