gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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