I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
