I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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