There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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