I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i came on her dog
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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