Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
