There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
