Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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