Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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