She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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