I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
