But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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