I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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