When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
