What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
