i love accidental penises.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
