Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
