you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We were destined to go to rehab together
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
