I seem to have left my pride at pride
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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