everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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