not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
