I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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