and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
