I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
