A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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