Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
