im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
