I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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