Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
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And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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