Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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