somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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