Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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