Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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