First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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