Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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