I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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