I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
