either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
