MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
