PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
