I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
