Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
