A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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