It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
