haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
