sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
being pregnant is like rehab
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
