the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
