Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
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Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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