i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
