I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
