Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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