i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
